


Too Old For This

by T-Boy (t_boy)



Category: Stephen Fry's The Liar
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-23
Updated: 2009-12-23
Packaged: 2017-10-05 02:52:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/36999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/t_boy/pseuds/T-Boy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Professor Healy and Shelagh rush to stop a conspiracy, and rescue old Biffo from the clutches of the Cardinal. Woo!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Too Old For This

**Author's Note:**

  * For [aralias](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aralias/gifts).



Bangkok, 2001.

Professor Adrian and Shelagh burst into the room.

Well, it would be more accurate to say that _Shelagh_ burst into the room, while Adrian came up behind her, panting heavily. Heaven knows why she had to rush off like that.

Professor Sir Humphrey Biffen beamed at them. He'd have come to them and greeted them both, but it turns out that it's actually very difficult to do that when one is tied to the chair.

"Professor Biffen," said Shelagh, "You're alive!"

"Oh yes," said Biffen, surprised by Shelagh's exclamation, "I suppose I am! But how did you--"

"No time!" said Shelagh, as she began to untie Biffen's knots. "We've distracted the Cardinal's guards, but they won't be distracted for long."

"Oh, I say, Adrian," said Biffen, "Your protegé's really quite enthusiastic about all of this."

Adrian could only gesture helplessly. What was he to do?

"Okay, that's done," said Shelagh, breathlessly. "Now, do you have any idea idea where the Cardinal might be?"

"Well," said a voice, from a dark and shadowy nook that had passed Shelagh's notice, but apparently not Adrian's, who had been looking at it and frowning. "He was planning on staying right here."

Shelagh froze, and then turned towards the dark and shadowed figure. Next to the figure, who was seated, stood the tall and menacing figure of Golka. He was carrying a gun, and it was pointing directly at Shelagh's direction.

"Well done, Shelagh," said the figure, his voice dark and menacing. "It's been... what has it been, two years? Two years of sleuthing on your part, and not only had you been able to track down Sir Humphrey here, but you've managed to do it ahead of our schedules! Well done, well done!"

"There is, however," continued the figure, almost sadly, "No chance that you'll be able to profit from your ingenuity much longer, my dear! For you see--"

"You won't get away with this!" yelled Shelagh. "Everyone will know that you're using those retro-viruses as a--"

"As a what, my dear?" said the figure, magnanimously, "As a chance to spread enlightenment to the masses?"

"You're talking mind-control!"

"_Hardly_, my dear," said the figure, almost bored, "only to free them from the yoke of scientific materialism--"

"You'll doom them to superstition! It's just another method of control--"

"Oh, dear, Golka. She's going to start another sermon," said the figure, yawning. "Restrain her, please. _And _gag her."

⁂

Safely bound and gagged, the three of them -- Adrian Healy, Shelagh O'Banion-Jones, Sir Humphrey Biffen -- faced their captor, who was still wreathed in shadows.

"Right," said their captor, after Golka had restrained them and then decided to place his massive bulk on the door, "Now, would you please care to enlighten me on what your plan was, once you had gotten Biffen?"

Silence from the three of them. Well, actually, silence from the Adrian and Shelagh, but a cheerful humming from Biffen, who seemed to be enjoying himself immensely.

"Hmm," said the figure. "All right, then, I think I'll torture it out of one of you. Golka!"

The large, fat man grunted, and turned towards the shadowy figure.

"Take Professor Healy to the interrogation room," said the figure, nastily. "Let's see how long he'll last under your 'gentle ministrations'."

⁂

Shelagh struggled, and finally, spitting and cursing, managed to free herself from the gag.

"Ah, well done," exclaimed Biffen, joyfully. "I've always found getting out of those things beastly. At least yours was clean."

"How long will it take for them to break Professor Adrian?" asked Shelagh, as she cautiously tried to test the bonds that held her down.

"Mmmm, possibly a couple of hours," said Biffen.

"How can you be so _calm _about it all?" snapped Shelagh. "Professor Healy's in _danger_!"

"Oh, he'll be fine," said Biffen, cheerfully. "He's done special training and all that, to resist torture, you know. With Langley, I think it was? Or was it Scotland Yard? One or the other."

"But, but..."

"Oh, he'll be _fine_, my dear!" said Biffen. "Now let's put our minds on getting out, shall we?"

⁂

"How long d'you think we should leave them?" said Adrian.

"Mmm. Two hours would do, don't you think?" said the shadowy figure.

Adrian stared at the shadowy figure with a look of annoyance. Both Adrian and the figure were sitting in a dark, cool, air-conditioned sitting room, on plush armchairs. Adrian had a glass of wine in his hands -- the shadowy figure, a glass of water.

"Listen," said Adrian. "Could you, you know, turn on more lights or something? I can't see anything at all."

"Oh!" said the figure, absently, as he fumbled around the console, looking for the switch. "Terribly sorry. It's just that, I find it rather difficult to adjust to being Machiavellian..."

A click, and the room lights came up, revealing the shadowy figure to be Donald Trefusis.

"There," said Donald, smiling at Adrian. "Much better. And how have you been, Adrian?"

⁂

"Frankly," said Adrian, "I'm beginning to feel like it's rather pointless keeping her around, Donald."

Trefusis hummed, a handkerchief on his face as he stared at the ceiling. "Yes, I rather noticed that. When was it you first met her, 1991?"

"Ninety-two, actually," said Adrian. "Ninety-two and she still hasn't figured out _half_ the things I did when I was with you."

"Ahh, the good old days," said Trefusis. "Yes, well, my dear boy..."

"She's actually very clever," said Adrian. "A lot cleverer than you and I are in some things--"

"Ah, now," said Trefusis. "Surely not."

"Well, you know that message that we intercepted? She broke the encryption."

"Ah, but I was informed that the code was bullet-proof."

"That's what _I _thought, too," said Adrian, exasperated. "She made a few calls, and then she cracked it, Donald! Turns out that your side were using the same... key thing... for the past year or so."

"Oh," said Donald, shocked. "Oh, dear. Rather block-headed of us. Same mistake the Germans did, come to think of it."

Adrian shrugged. "Yes, well," he said, taking a swig of the wine. "She's _clever_, but for the past three capers I've been trying to send her up -- twice in the first two capers, and now it's three times! And she _still_ doesn't get it! She's still treating it like it was perfectly serious!"

"Indeed, Adrian. I noticed she ate the whole retrovirus thingummy rather whole, actually."

"That's the thing! She linked it all to what Dawkins said about memes 'infecting' people, and _ran_ with it! I don't even know what goes on on her mind."

"Oh, dear. I suppose she does take things a _little_ too seriously, but--"

Adrian snorted, "_I_ took things seriously. She turns it into a crusade against Ignorance and Want and Backward Superstition. It's as if she's convinced that she's some horrible swashbuckling hero."

"Ah, well. So how is Jeanne and my god-son?"

Silence from Adrian.

"Oh, dear," said Trefusis. "Surely not--"

"She thinks I'm having an affair with _her_, Trefusis."

"Surely not! I mean, she does know about our escapades--"

"She thinks they're pretty much an excuse for you to go out on _your_ escapades, too," said Adrian, rather testily. "After all, remember that episode in the toilet? With Stefan?"

"Oh, dear."

"You do realize she'd only been introducing you to all those actors for a reason, Donald."

"But--"

"I mean, inviting Sir Ian and _you_ together for dinner? Didn't it cross your mind?"

"I mean, no--"

"Oh, come _on_, Donald!"

Trefusis could only sit there, his face a mixture of confusion and anguish. Adrian managed to look at him for about two minutes before bursting out of laughter.

"Oh, Donald, Donald," said Adrian, laughing. "You should see your face!"

"You mean--"

"No, no, she's fine. _We're_ fine. She sends her love. Your god-son's fine -- he's turning three next week. I figure you'd want to see him for the birthday party."

"Mmm."

"Anyway, I was serious about Shelagh, though. I think it's time we end this current game, and leave her out of the next one. What time is it? You're still not upset, are you?"

"Only mildly."

"Come on, Donald. It's not as if you've not wound me up before."

"Still, it did feel... below the belt."

"Listen, I sincerely apologize. Won't let it happen again. Now come on, do you have the BBC here? I missed the cricket scores yesterday, so--"

"Mmm, yes," said Trefusis, fumbling at the control panel again, "There we go--"

They stared at the television news report that was on. And stared.

⁂

"David."

"Donald, you old beast. I gather you've already seen the news."

"I have, actually."

"Bloody idiots, honestly. We gave them the bloody reports eight months ago, do you believe it?"

"Mmm. Listen, I've got Biffo and the girl tied up in the hotel room in Sukhumvit. Would you be able to--"

"Extract them from the site?"

"Something like that. Yes, do that. Adrian and I will be making our own way, I suppose."

"And the 'cover story'?"

"Mmm. Make something up. Just don't fake his death. I expect he'll be wanting to see his son for his birthday, I suppose."

"Will do. So, how is my nephew, then?"

"Oh, he's still watching the news. You know, it rather does look like a scene from one of those ghastly American movies."

"Ha! That it does. So, will you be joining Adrian for next week's party, then? With your god-son?"

Silence.

"Donald?"

"Hmm? Oh, yes. I suppose I will."

"Excellent. Listen, I think I'll be lying a little low after this whole cock-up. The Prime Minister's getting shirty over something, really; it sounds like another 'reorganization' to align their 'strategic thinking' to the 'current geopolitical paradigm'."

"Sounds ghastly. Just as well, I suppose. We're getting too old for this nonsense."


End file.
